Found these on notalwaysright.com. These are real conversations.
You Say To-mah-to, I Say Pot-tah-toGarden Store | Santa Barbara, CA, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling [garden store], this is ***. How can I help you today?”
Caller: “Yeah, i have mites on my, uh… tomato plants. I need something to put on them to kill the mites”
Me: “Well, sir, we have many different types of sprays and powders for bug eradication that can work.”
Caller: “I need something that can work indoors.”
Me: “Indoors? Like a greenhouse? Because the products we have are all natural and can be used in a greenhouse.”
Caller: “I mean indoors like in my house. I don’t want to use a spray in the closet in my room.”
Me: “Sir, you’re growing tomatoes in your closet?”
Customer “Uh, yeah… so what can I use?”
Me: “Well, we have a powder made of diatomes you can use to kill the mites, and you can still eat the tomatoes without any issue. It’s all natural and perfectly safe.”
Caller: “That sounds good, but… umm, what if I were to smoke the tomato plant? Would that still be safe?”
(I finally realize he’s NOT really talking about tomatoes.)Me: “Umm, sir, tomato plants are part of the nightshade family and are actually poisonous if ingested. I wouldn’t recommend smoking them or eating the plant itself. Just the tomato.”
Caller: “But, if I had a plant that was smokeable, i could use the powder stuff and it would be okay?”
Me: “Yeah, just make sure you wash it good before you um… smoke it… as you would with any home-grown vegetables and fruits.”
Caller: “You’re sure? Because i don’t wanna die for smoking something i’m not supposed to.”
Me: “Then make sure you aren’t smoking the tomato plants in your closet and you’ll be fine. Have a nice day!”
Lost In TranslationNewspaper | Seattle, WA, USA
Me: “Hello, this is Classifieds, can I help you?”
Customer: *with a heavy accent* “Yays, I put een an ad, and eet sayes ‘peacock truck’ but eet should be ‘peacock truck’.”
Me: “The ad says ‘peacock truck’, but it should be ‘peacock truck’? I don’t understand the difference. Did they get the color wrong or something?”
Customer: “No, no, peacock - eet ees not a color, eet ees a peacock, a peacock truck!” *starts swearing in Spanish*
Me: “Sir, is there anyone else there who might be able to talk to me? I’m sorry; I can’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.”
Customer: “Eet is seemple, eet ees a peacock truck - Pee, uh, ee, ee, uh…”
Me: “Sir…are you trying to spell ‘pickup’? Is it a pickup truck you’re selling?”
Customer: ‘Yays, yays, eet ees a peacock truck, like I say before.”
Me: “Right, sir, I’ll fix that for you. We’ll run the ad for two days extra, to make up for lost time”.
Customer: “Thank you. Goodbye.” *hangs up*
(I receive another call later that day.)Me: “Hello, this is Classifieds, can I help you?”
Customer: “Yeah, I went to look at this truck that was advertised in your paper, and it wasn’t what they said it was. It’s false advertising!”
Me: “What was the problem? What was wrong?”
Customer: ‘Well, the ad said it was a peacock truck, and I love that color. We went to see it, and it was black! That’s not peacock!”
Not Quite The Cat’s MeowTech Support | Bakersfield, CA, USA
(I work for an online traffic school and for some of the counties, we need them to put answers to security questions.)Me: “Hi, this is ***, how can I help you?”
Caller: “Hey, it says that I missed a security question and that I need to call this number to continue.”
Me: “Okay, what question did you miss?”
Caller: “I missed what is my favorite animal.”
(I get his personal information and look up his answer.)Me: “Sir, the answer we have here says ‘Pussy’. You are aware that this is also the same answer you have for… your favorite food?”
Caller: *click*
Back In My Day, A Feather Duster Was EnoughRestaurant | Lexington, KY, USA
(I was going to get some milk out of a refrigerator while my coworker was taking an order at the drive-thru. Here is the conversation that took place.)Coworker: “Okay, please pull up to the window.”
Customer: “IF YOU EVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN I WILL HIT YOU UP SIDE THE HEAD WITH A PAY PHONE!”
Me: *leaning out of the refrigerator* “Did she say…”
Coworker: “…a pay phone?”
(As far as we can guess, her child had said something to her and we just overheard her!)Just Another Day In StonervilleSandwich Delivery | Chicago, IL, USA
I work at a gourmet sandwich company. We can make sandwiches for delivery, pickup, or sit-down. We often get calls from a lot of stoners that want their sandwiches delivered. Probably for “munchies.” It’s about 4pm on Saturday when I get this call.
Me: “Welcome to Jimmy John’s, this is Molly. How can I help you?”
Stoner 1: “Hey…yeah…”
Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”
Stoner 1: “What?”
Me: “Would you like to order something?”
Stoner 1: “Yes…”
(After about two minutes of silence…)Me: “Hello? Are you still there, sir?”
Stoner 1: “Yeah, I’m waiting for you to like, ask me what I want.”
Me: “…Okay, what would you like?”
Stoner 1: *tells me his order*
Me: “Would you like anything else with that?”
Stoner 1: “Yeah… get me a cookie.”
(At this point, I hear a plethora of other stoners in the background.)Stoner 2: “Cookies!? Where?”
Stoner 1: *laughing* “Dude, I’m on the phone with the cookie company!”
(Now I can hear Stoner 2 grab the phone and he begins talking to me.)Stoner 2: “Hey, cookie company? Make that two cookies!”
Stoner 3: “Four cookies! I want two!”
Stoner 2: “SIX COOKIES!”
Me *trying not to laugh* “Okay, sir, will that be all?”
Stoner 2: “Yeahhhhhh.”
Me: “Will that be for pickup or delivery?”
Stoner 2: “Delivery…” *gives address*
Stoner 1: “DUDE, WHAT IF SHE’S A NARC?”
Stoner 2: “Sh*t! You know that address I just gave you? I lied about it!”
(Now I decide to have a little fun with them, considering they wasted my time.) Me: “Okay, but as a little treat, I’m going to have it delivered anyway. My car will be the one with red and blue flashing lights that reads P-O-L-I-C-E on the side.”
Stoner 2: “A car with lights? That’s awesome!”
Stoner 1: “Dude, she means the police!”
Stoner 2: “SH*T!” *click*
(We ended up delivering to them anyway, because TECHNICALLY they never canceled their order. Our delivery guy came back with the full order, telling us that someone answered the door to tell him no one was home.)A Bad Day To Be A Pair Of JeansRetail Clothing Store | Corbin, KY, USA
(It was about 5 minutes to closing on a Saturday night and we had maybe 5-6 employees working all female. A new bar had just opened next door, and a drunk man wandered in.)Drunk Man: “I need to buy some matches.”
Me: “I’m sorry sir. We don’t sell matches–only clothes.”
Drunk Man: “Well, then sell me a lighter. I need a cigarette.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t sell lighters or matches, just clothes.”
Drunk Man: “D*mn it, just give me one.”
Me: “I don’t have one, sir, or trust me I would.”
Drunk Man: “You lying b**ch! Give me a f**king match you b**ch!”
Me: “Sir, you need to leave or I’m calling the police. We don’t have lighters or matches. I’m sorry, but I can’t help you.”
Drunk Man: “I’ll get it myself!”
(He storms off toward the men’s department. I call my co-worker in that department, then call the manager to give them a heads up. A few minutes later the man goes running out (empty handed) and my co-worker is racing after him. She grabs my phone and starts screaming over the intercom for our manager. I asked her what happened.)Coworker: “He pissed all over the Levis!”
I’ll Take A Double Entendre With A Side Of InnuendoGas Station | Redmond, OR, USA
(I was a pump attendant (Oregon is a no-self-serve state) and a fairly attractive middle-aged woman in a mid 90’s Ford pickup pulled up for fuel. Now, that style of truck has two gas tanks, one in front, one in back. Here’s our conversation:)Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”
Her: “I just need ten bucks worth of diesel, please.”
Me: “Okay, which tank?”
Her: “Oh, I think I’ll take it in the rear tonight!”
(We both paused, she turned bright red, and it was all I could do not to bust out laughing!)
sick
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